Today I made the realization during my conversation with Amy that no one has really stood up for me in my life. I never really got the support I needed from my parents because they were too busy with their own stuff. I somehow learned the importance of supporting others and I am loyal to a fault. But when it comes to my problems, no one wants to be involved. Not my family, not my friends, and not my boyfriend. I'm still hoping to find someone who would step in and help me out when I down and without a voice or when I'm unable to defend myself against injustice or unfairness. I know that's a romanticized way of looking at how a friendship should go but it doesn't make me long for it any less. Until today, I had learned to not count on anyone but myself and that if anything happened I'm the only one that can stand up for myself. It may change since I made that discovery but probably not for awhile. That's such a depressing thought... I also realized today the effect my mother's personality had and still has on me. I love my mother a lot but truthfully she was an angry person when she was alive. Whenever she got angry at something I was always the peacemaker and would stay neutral on the subject, which in turn, made her more angry. And this time at me. The result is that anger and rage petrifies me, even if it's directed at another person. Later there was a period of time after she died that I took on aspects of her personality. I would get angry easily and people around me would get disturbed. I would be mostly angry at God for letting such bad things happen to me. During that time I became agnostic. I have since removed myself from that phase and went completely in the opposite direction. I have become very passive and peaceloving again but now it's gotten extreme, to the point where I wouldn't defend myself from wrongdoing. I have trouble standing up for myself when people take advantage of me and have in effect, given up. I have compromised myself for other peoples' happiness. This is not healthy, and most importantly, this is not me.