No, my name is not Sophia Qurtlebaum
“What’s in a name?
That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
-Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
At least the trouble with our last names isn't like the one between the Montagues and Capulets. Cuz we all know how THAT story ends.
It didn’t even occur to me that it would be this hard to adopt a long, strange-sounding, Caucasian last name. I don’t know why. Maybe because everyone used to butcher my three-letter Chinese last name so much that I didn’t think it could be worse.
So here’s the background. When Rob and I were first thinking about marriage, the topic of name-changing came up. He felt strongly that whoever marries him would adopt his last name. I was actually surprised about his feelings because he’s normally a very progressive guy. I would even say that he qualifies as a feminist (someone who believes both sexes should be treated equally and/or have equal opportunities) if it wasn’t such a bad word in certain circles. However, since I wasn’t such a fan of his last name, I delayed any serious thinking of it until we were well into our engagement. It was one of those things that I had secretly hoped he would give up after more time had passed.
About two months before our wedding, it was really time to make a decision because we needed to fill out our marriage license forms. I weighed the pros and cons of our situation. If I adopted his last name then there would be a lot less confusion when we have kids. As someone who was from a family with two different last names, I can attest to how much more convenient it is to all have the same last name. My mother and my brother shared the same last name because she wanted to pass down her family name (she has no brothers), while my father and I shared his last name. Additionally, Rob rarely feels so strongly about things like this, while I feel strongly about most things and he gives in to a lot of them.
At the same time, the feminist voice in my head was berating me for even considering this. Why would I give in to the oppressive pressure of our paternalistic society? Why should I conform to antiquated ideals and cater to the convenience of the bureaucrats? And most importantly, why do I have to deal with having boobs and Rob doesn’t?
I’ll probably never know.
In the end, I did what I did best, which is to negotiate a compromise to make both sides happy. If I changed my last name to his, then he has to change his middle name to my late mother’s. She was the ultimate feminist and managed to not only keep her last name, but also to have her only son be born with it so that he can pass it down the generations. This is almost unheard of in Chinese society.
So that was almost a year ago and now I have had to adjust to the consequences of that decision. I get puzzled looks every time I introduce myself, either because it sounds funny to people who’ve never heard of it before or because my last name doesn’t match my race. It’s always a topic of conversation when I first meet people and I get comments on it more often than not. At the check-out counter, I’m asked for a picture id when I use a credit card even though the lady in front of me wasn’t asked that when she used hers. Little things like that. Though, Rob has gotten crap for changing his beloved middle name too so I’m not totally alone on this.
I received another letter today from Kitchenaid to extend the warranty of my $65 hand-mixer another year for $54. Thank you Kitchenaid, this is your second attempt at assuming that I have a low enough IQ and high enough money to buy into your joke of an extended warranty. And to add insult to injury, they addressed me as Mrs Sophia Qurtlebaum. *Sigh*
I think you raise a really interesting perspective that I haven’t really seen anyone else blog about. Changing your name can have a big impact on how others perceive your identity, especially if your perceived race or ethnicity changes with your name. I’m also curious what it’s like from a Caucasian Susan Jones to become a Susan Chen via marriage, but that’s obviously not something that you can speak to
I am biracial and changed my name from my father’s Caucasian last name to my mother’s Asian last name as an adult. With either name people have their reactions about what they think I am based on what my name is. For you and other future mothers of biracial children, I think your experience gives you a little peak into what that experience might be like for your kids who will be like me in that regard.
twochicksnest, I agree that the last name is used as an indicator for a lot of people to position themselves with everyone else. It’s a shock to their system when that indicator doesn’t coincide with what they see (race/ethnicity) so they get very confused. This happens to both Caucasians and Asians alike. As for our future biracial children, I’m hoping to be able to keep my mom’s Chinese last name in their middle names. That way, they would be able to keep both since they’re from both backgrounds. It does help to get your point of view on this. Thank you!
Hi! I have nothing useful to add, other than I quite enjoyed this post. =D